Thursday, April 9, 2015

Rural Problems You Likely Don't Have

Okay, I had to get this one out this morning... too good to sit on.

Normally I write stories offline and paste them here, but this will be the exception.

Living Rural has advantages and disadvantages.  Sometimes the advantage can become a disadvantage.

So my father lives in a place so remote that maps show roads that no longer exist.  UPS truck drivers get lost, and he does not get mail delivery.  When he still had a land line phone, it did not work when it rained.

Well, he broke his one and only toilet.  Don't ask, too long a story, just accept that it is unusable.  The advantage is that he has plenty of privacy on his 20 acres, so digging a cat hole to do his business is not a problem.  Of course, 'number one' does not require more than stepping into his yard, which is really pasture land anyway. The other business, what we will call 'acts of congress' require a stroll away from the house into the woods, where he has pre-positioned little holes for the purpose, as sometimes 'acts of congress' have a sense of urgency, especially when a pot of morning coffee comes calling.

This morning, at just after Oh-Dark-Thirty, congress is 'in session,' so to speak, when a "hissing growl" comes from six feet away under a cedar tree.  Needless to say, a motion for a recess was entertained after urgent business was hurriedly concluded.  The advantage just became a disadvantage: wild animals tend to leave suburbanites alone.

While the offended animal species remains a mystery, speculation by anonymous sources familiar with the location run from feral house cat, through pissed bobcat, and on up to cougar (mountain lion.)

When congress reconvened an hour later to continue business, certain precautions had been added to the 'legislative routine.'

Dad reports that performing an 'act of congress' while holding a shotgun complicates an already delicate operation.

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